“The romantic vision of love is deeply unhelpful. Real love is not about endless excitement — but about compatibility, compromise, and care.”

– Alain De Botton (The School of Life)

What true love is NOT:

• Romance is lovely, but idealized it can lead to unrealistic expectations.
• Similarly, unrequited love can involve very real and profound feelings, but ultimately it’s holding on to a beautiful fantasy, even when we often already know ourselves that it’s a fool’s quest.
• A loyal harem may be another charming fantasy, but for me, it cannot be true love either.
• Promiscuous, taboo, and unrestrained sex can sound enticing too, but lust isn’t love either by definition.

If those fantasies mislead us, then what is love, really?

I sometimes feel jealousy and possessiveness toward my partner, and I believe many people can relate. Tragedies of cheating may always persist throughout history given our human nature (unless we evolve past it one day by some yet inconceivable circumstances forcing monogamous natural selection), but if we were to explore an ideal to strive to live by beyond our natural impulses, given our current biological wiring, then it would be the following hypothesis which I firmly believe in:

True love must rest on reciprocal devotion.

-Kai

Pillars of love

While love takes many forms, I believe the most profound version is a monogamous bond, where two people choose each other as their primary devotion at the exclusion of everyone else.

Is it really love if 2 people aren’t loyal to each other through conscious choice? Indeed, I believe true love requires a conscious decision, one of commitment. Ideally, it would also include great (& mutual) physical attraction, especially in the beginning. But where love truly comes in (and where it is needed) is beyond the superficial. True love is made possible through a deep bond where 2 people give and receive devotion, choosing each other intentionally and fully. Why not love between 3 or more people?

While technically possible, you will not be made to feel to be the most important person in the world to another person, even if it wasn’t for one’s ego, true love doesn’t reach its pinnacle when it’s diluted and shared

Indeed, human nature can often times make us feel natural attraction for other attractive people… Then is love only a choice? Partly.

Love is both a feeling (generated through attraction, chemistry, affection), and a choice. To care for and not betray our partner’s trust (through loyalty, integrity, & honesty), are the most powerful choices we can make in love for our partner.

Loyalty for example, is touching and heartwarming. It can be challenging and require sacrifice, but determination to stay together is what allows love to last.

Honesty, the courage to speak the truth and act with integrity while balancing what’s best for your partner and the relationship, is also essential for trust and therefore for love.

Suppose you have the essential pieces in place like loyalty & honesty, how do you “love”, and what makes us “feel loved”?

Both “how we love” and “how we want to be loved” can mean different things from individual to individual. Giving someone what they want = love, right? But what if their wants can be harmful? In that case, encouraging positive change, which at times can be perceived as “tough love”, is actually a deeper form of care.

Because spoiling someone alone may not be good for them, liked giving a child too many candies, so true love in a way involves caring for the other person’s well-being.

Not only is “well-being” multifaceted, what qualifies as “benefit” versus “detriment” can even be subjective depending on who you ask, usually what will probably lead you closer to what is best for someone is by balancing both the emotional and rational benefits, while weighing the decision more on a long-term view. For example, foundational questions to guide decision making could be: What is best? Is this healthy or unhealthy? Leads to joy or pain short- vs long-term? Answers are easy when questioned individually, but decisions become tough when values clash. A clear value hierarchy between two people will help solve this.

Next & most importantly, for those seeking loyalty, happiness, and fulfillment in a long-term relationship, what should you look for and prioritize?

How to choose the right partner? / Did I choose the right partner?

Besides looking for proven healthy signs of a good couple, such as everything outlines in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage” (John Gottman), also evaluate how compatible you are in fulfilling each other’s “non-negotiables” list (limit to only a few items that are most important and indispensable to you).

If you believe you’ve found the right person, should we keep our options open, or commit fully to them?

Do we need to keep our options open to protect ourselves from getting hurt?

I believe it’s important to adopt and remember the mindset that we can usually find someone new who’s also compatible with us, and that we’ll be ok no matter what happens. Still, the goal is to make it work with our current partner, if we have chosen them well.

We must stay humble, remembering that we are mortal and fragile. We cannot guarantee we’ll stay the same, or that we’ll ever find someone more compatible, or compatible in the same unique way as our current partner. Also as we mature, others might not find the same value in us that they would’ve otherwise perceived had they met us in our youth.

Part of that question inevitably leads us to the debate between monogamy and polyamory. Even if we chose the right partner, and we really love them, what if we are still not satisfied? What if there are multiple “right” partners for us, could we be better off dating a couple of these soulmates, without giving up our current partner?

Monogamy in a world of polyamorous temptations

*Disclaimer* My experience is limited to monogamy, but perfect polyamorous love is theoretically possible and as long as everyone is transparent upfront, consenting, and no one gets hurt, I am now (surprisingly, given my traditional background) all for it. However, given that only a minority of people are into this (despite our growing population, and the omnipresence of Internet allowing instant connections with almost anyone across the world), that there’s still social stigma surrounding it, and that there’s an inherent risk of hurting others (even if unintentionally, e.g. maybe one partner may not yet be aware of their evolutionary potential for jealousy/possessiveness), for all intents and purposes, as of our 21st century, it is for most people impractical to pursue a non-monogamous relationship (RIP loyal harem fantasy), and it would be hard to find other people wanting exactly what you want that also simultaneously matches your values and standards. Even finding a monogamous relationship, which most people want, can be challenge sometimes. But beyond the mess, polygamy if it works has its merits, probably allows you to deal with your jealousy through fear exposure (lol), and seriously practically being in a mutually supportive and collaborative community/family can always be helpful (sharing resources, knowledge, network, & helping each other with various tasks and in different ways, and each person with their own strengths too). At the very least, the total honesty, open-mindedness, and courage of those who pursue their hearts’ desire deserves honour and respect. Our world never has too much love, so why love only one, when you can love many? #grouplove 🙂

Now, our topic is the truth about LOVE, what it is, and how to get it for yourself; rather than what types of relationships can work or which is better.

I believe that MONOGAMOUS love, when done right, allows for unmatched commitment, deep attachment, and a safe haven; all of which facilitates attaining the romantic ideal of true love. And it is possible, knowing from experience and simply by looking at the successful couples around you. Of course, there are other practical benefits, since monogamy also provides simplicity, predictability, and societal acceptance. But it’s a double-edged sword, because tragedies like cheating and loss hurt infinitely more. Death is nearly a guaranteed risk given our current technology today, but whose human flaws to accept into your world is a risk that you can control, by choosing a partner wisely. It is hypothesis only, but pair bonding evolved such that we could attach and detach pretty easily as needed, because tragedies do happen, and in order to reproduce, we cannot dwell on only one partner if they are no longer available or fit for reproduction (eg. They choose to break up & leave), so nature made it easy to propagate your genes by allowing you pair bond with multiple people. Given today’s growing abundance of resources, I can envision a world where monogamy might not even be necessary for survival & reproduction of ourselves and our progeny anymore (besides the social stigma), and so in that case I wonder if given sufficient time for evolution, would nature eventually optimize humans for maximum DNA spreading (non-monogamy)? Purely a philosophical thought, and not a wish by any means.

Monogamy, as defined as being with one person at a time, doesn’t mean finding the perfect “one”, since many potential “ones” exist, but if two people choose each other, they can become each other’s “one”. Moving rapidly from partner to partner, even if dating only one at a time, may indicate passion and short-lived feelings of love and novelty, but can it truly be called “love” if it fades away that quickly? True love may last until death (and maybe even beyond, if it exists).

On the other hand, even if you decided to commit to someone new, you may find yourself trying to suppress feelings for a previous partner, but regardless of the outcome it won’t change the timeless fact that you at least once truly loved them too.

Nevertheless, even with monogamous relationships, you can’t come first all the time, oftentimes your partner needs to take care of themselves and balance their other priorities depending on the seasons.

Though imperfect, one benefit of choosing monoamory is that you will always be your partner’s “primary” person in the context of a romantic relationship. If you picked the right person, then you can trust they’ll be loyal and do their best to to act within your boundaries and try to not hurt you, since they care about you.

Now, monogamy is never perfect, and it requires work, such as getting to know each other and having difficult conversations together, but eventually you’ll both hopefully establish a healthy and loving dynamic together and have defined clear boundaries (for example, around what is considered cheating versus not; this topic can actually be more complex than it seems at first glance).

Love versus Freedom

Of course, not everyone shares the same vision of love. For some, love includes freedom to explore multiple sexual partners. So what if your partner desires that?

Wasn’t love giving our partner what they want? Who can say they won’t be happier, more fulfilled, or closer to their highest self by unleashing their freedom to explore? What if love for them means letting each other enjoy and sleep around?

If no one gets hurt, maybe.

Although not everyone feels jealousy (or are not wired to feel it too strongly), from my experience, many people I’ve known do seem to crave exclusivity in a relationship, whether as a desire or a need. So monogamy seems to be driven by more than just cultural and societal reasons. It might be due to our ego, our innate insecurities, our feelings of jealousy, or even evolutionary reasons, but whatever the cause, the pull toward the assurance of being someone’s first and only person, not their second choice, feels real for many of us. So, perhaps love means meeting your partner’s highest-priority need (such as exclusivity), even if you can’t fulfill every single need they have.

So if the core difference between monoamory and polyamory is exclusivity, what does that say about love when there is exclusivity vs. none?

Where is love deeper? With or Without Exclusivity

If someone told you “I love you”, would you believe them more if they were monogamous or polygamous?

In a polygamous relationship you might feel loved through freedom to explore. We sometimes get tempted, but it can leave us craving for more, and possibly feeling empty long-term. Would you get more love the higher number of people involved?

You might enjoy unique experiences of a broader intensity and emotional depth from multiple people, but never a secure place to fall back to, like being relationally homeless.

For me, dating someone uncommitted would only leave me craving something I can’t truly have. Why spend so much attention, energy, and precious resources like time on them, unless it’s just for short-term pleasure and with no concern for the long-term? Maybe we convince ourselves there’s potential there, or maybe our ego tells us we can win them over, seduce them, and get them to commit to us exclusively long-term?

Whether that judgement call is correct or not is up to each person, but the consequences will follow regardless.

As a monogamous person, if I decided to pursue an uncertain love, I’d still expect to feel worthy of lasting loyalty. However, if my very next act is accepting someone who treats me as one of their many options, then my self-image would struggle to align.

Tolerating a dynamic (even if inadvertently) that leaves one feeling unimportant can sometimes reflect how one subjectively views their own worth, and what they believe they can deserve from someone.

The approval of many can feel intoxicating, but from experience, adopting low commitment standards leaves us unfulfilled and the emotional feelings we get in that kind of pursuit will never surpass finding someone who can be our ride-or-die, and who would choose us back in the same way.

Bonus: Physical attraction

Not always essential for everyone, but for me it really helps by sparking interest, magnifying love’s magic, and deepening the connection. Some couples don’t have sex, yet love can exist.

Summary

Ultimately, at its best, love is not endless excitement, fantasy, and total freedom, but about building a deep bond within a safe space where two souls may stumble and grow, yet always find their way back to one another, at peace in the knowledge that they are each other’s long-term choice, fully, freely and happily.

—

For more content, follow me on Twitch and YouTube @HandsomeKaiGG